Monday, April 27, 2009

#26 Which Is Better: 50 Cent (Blood In the Sand) or Resident Evil 5

Quality is not subjective. People say that it is. It is not. Sometimes however, the true quality of something is harder to see and it is obscured by more obvious qualities it may possess. Videogame nerds, sci fi nerds, comic book nerds... the bulk of these groups enjoy PURE FACTUAL quality. Does the thing have facts that are cool, i.e. does a man shoot lasers from his bottom, or does a robot fight a ninja? Yes? Point. Are the characters cool in a "smart" way, i.e. pithy remarks, crap like that. Yes? Point. Does the plot stand up to scientific scrutiny? Yes? Point. If those things fail, is it purposefully campy so that you can point out how you are smart for liking it because it is obviously campy? Yes? Double points! The problem here is that often times, while yes, these things are good to have, they aren't always DONE well. But the common nerd knows nothing of these things, of how pacing and composition and the melding of all disparate elements can turn a neat idea: Spiderman 3.. into a bad movie: Spiderman 3.

So let's break this all down:
Graphics: Resident Evil 5 is clearly more beautiful than 50 Cent. It has all the neato textures and ... sort of awesome lighting. Actually it was still vaguely emotionless visually to me. The animations were still, whilc i suppose good, stiff seeming based one how your people could only move like weird remote control car versions of themselves. 50 Cent's game... the modeling was acceptable. Textures also acceptable. The environmental design was pretty basic. Desert city, desert ruins, desert roads, but the set pieces were nice open rooms, nearly too epic for a game of its caliber. Still TECHNICALLY: Resident Evil wins, obviously.

Story: Resident Evil had all sorts of complicated machinations involving old friends being brought back seemingly from the dead, a crazy virus and conspiracy, and the name Wesker. 50 Cent has 50 and his G Unit crew traveling across some unnamed middle eastern land (possibly the same "Somewhere" desert where the "In Da Club" video takes place?) to get back a diamond covered skull for no reason other than FIDDY WANTS IT. Along the way they kill Lt. Daniels from The Wire. Nerds may say this is dumb. Here's the thing: it's not TRYING to be smart and failing. It's trying to be... fun. And it is. Who gives a shit when you're two rappers blasting their way across ANYTHING yelling "gimme back my skull!" Fuck YES. And you might say, "yeah, but you're in it IRONICALLY". All I can say is: Replace one or two elements of the 50 Cent story and what do you get: Raiders of the Lost Ark.
TECHNICALLY: Resident Evil would probably still win.

Sound: Resident Evil boasts some incredible sound design. And the characters say some stupid ass things all the way through, but none of them are nearly as fun as what is said in the 50 Game, which plays all the way through with 50's music blaring behind it. Am I a fan of him? Now that I know that in his off time he is basically a globetrotting superhero: Yes.

Whatever. What makes a game fun is fun, as Bart n Milhouse once said. Resident Evil stopped being scary and so it had to become a fun shoot em up. Guess what? It's not, and sure, there's the addictive weapon collecting quality to it, but it's addicting in a way that doesn't feel fun. Instead it's like stamp collecting or alchoholism: you waste lots of time and get nothing out of it. No fun, no anything. At least you can sell your stamps for booze. I beat the 50 Cent game twice in 2 days. I will return it to blockbuster in a day or so. It lasted only 2 days. I will not buy it. It was not a GREAT game, but it was fun. I even find myself more comfortable paying to buy Resident Evil for some reason, no doubt because it's a "big name" game. That addicting shit will last me longer, fooling me into thinking I'm getting more bang for my buck while in the back of my head my heart will be crying for it knows the truth: my real love lies with fiddy.
Resident Evil 5: C
50 Cent Blood in the Sand: B

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