#22 - On the movie "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans"

Let it be known that I even felt stupid typing out the complete title of the movie. I don't know what it is that does this to me... I would not feel as stupid typing "Clash of the Titans", but "Rise of the Lycans"? Ooooh there, I did it again.
This movie chronicles the tale of Lucien (i think), a man who is also a LYCAN!!!!!!! (Short for lycanthrope, fancy for werewolf). I am glad the word Lycan can exist in a title. It's the "cool abbreviation" of a word that is underlined in RED, meaning it's not really real... or at the very least respected by the online dictionary. Let's dwell on this a moment because this is my blog.
It's all cool and fine to find cool little terms for like the police "po po" or bad shoes "bobo". Those are real items made alittle more "hip" through "cool clang". Whatever. Lycanthrope is a fantasy word. Lycan is the "cool version" of it? It's like a LOTR nerd trying be cool by referring to Glamdring as "Glammy D" or some shit. Don't try. Respect the nerd stuff as being removed from cool. Then it retains its nerdish dignity (oxymoron.)
So the lycan guy... you know what? NOBODY cares. Halfway through this movie, I was staring at the screen and I literally thought in my head, in complete, nearly tangible sentences spelled out with giant plastic white letters over a gaudy orange backdrop: WHO WANTED THIS MOVIE TO EXIST? Was there a giant following of Underworld fans who desperately needed the tale of the past which is, if memory serves, quite similar to the tale of the future but with crossbows instead of guns? A prequel should serve something at least SLIGHTLY different up! Crossbows might as well be called "arrow guns" anyways. I also nearly fell asleep at one point in the movie. High points: Bill Nighy and sort of Michael Sheen though here, as I noted in the theater, he was like a poor man's Karl Urban (to which my friend replied "Karl Urban is a poor man's Karl Urban!") Good point. But at least he wasn't in this movie. Except he WAS in the how-could-it-be-worse movie Pathfinder.
To pad this out with more actual critical sounding talk: the cinematography was drab and dull. Monochromatic in an attempt to moody but really it just dragged it all down. Costumes were seemingly borrowed from the lesser characters of better movies. The werewolves weren't awful, weren't amazing. Special effects... okay. Action, tightly edited so as to confuse the viewers into maybe believing it is good (it is not.) One sweet part where a guy gets a ballista bolt through the head after 3 guys get skewered together comically (possibly unintentionally...)
Grade: D- (I couldn't find it in my heart to give it an E)